hated.

Usually I can care less what people say or think about me. I often brush it off or just say,"Hey! their loss". I try to surround myself w/ positive people & pray for those who dislike me. It really hurt to find out that someone I have a close relationship with; HATES me. Even more that she's been acting like we're cool ends up being two-faced. Hearing this really upset me, I've never had someone HATE me & my feelings were really hurt. Yea, we have those who we don't get along with or dislike but HATE? Maybe it's my fault, I try my best to develop friendships that are based on trust & love. Hoping they'll grow day by day to potentially last a lifetime. Guess this wasn't one of them. It saddens me cause now it effects our kids, why should they suffer? All they want to do is enjoy their childhoods, have fun, learn & mature w/ one another. I don't know what I can do now. Seems hopeless to me cause of how much hatred she has built up throughout the years & I honestly don't know what I did. Maybe I just suck at being a good friend:(

"Can we have one of those?"

 In my past posts I talked about being undecided about having another baby. Well, lately Joon has been "hinting" on having a girl..a.k.a his "Princess"..ogeez! haha.. but it's not only him, his parents, my parents, my siblings, & his family too. I really got to thinking more about it yesterday after we left the park. I was carrying Paaga & Sai's son; baby Sai , I walked over to the playground where my boys were playing & said, "Look boys.. Mommy has a new BABY". Usually when we're around other babies Zion pays no attention & Isi gets jealous & cries frantically. This time was different as soon as they seen bby Sai they both ran over to me smiling & I was shocked that Isi didn't get jealous he actually came & gave him a big kiss saying.."Hi baby".. it was so cute:) Zion surprised  me the most by trying to carry him & asking me.."Mom, CAN WE HAVE ONE OF THOSE"..lol.. It got me laughing & smiling at the same time. Seeing how happy they were with a lil baby made me wonder..Hmmm? Maybe it is time for another lil one:) Everyone has been asking/hinting to have another kid.. but to actually see it thru my boys faces & how happy it made them. How can I say no to that? I mean it's been 3 1/2 yrs.& my boys are growing up so fast & I'm not getting any younger..lol.. so why not? I love kids & raising my boys has been the GREATEST blessing in my life, adding to our Eternal family would be just PERFECT!  I had a talk w/ Joon lastnight about it & he is beyond excited.. [go figure]..lol.. honestly.. I am too:D Although it would mean cutting back on somethings & also trying to find our place all at the same time I know we can make it happen. With the Lord's guidance & blessings we'll be just fine:) I just need to lose about 50lbs. so I won't be adding on to any baby fat.lol.. To Jr,Zion & Isi.. Make room cause "We're going to get one of those"..;) hehe!
<3 Mommy!

Preparing for the Worse

 Recently my dad has been very ill. It's so hard for me cause we live away from them & I can't be by his side through all this. The past couple of years its been hard for him but he is a FIGHTER. When we think he has given his all, he beats the odds & keep hanging on. Something I don't want to imagine is life without him. As his heart problems worsen & his sicknesses are more frequent My mom & older siblings have decided now to make arrangements in case his time comes.The thought of it kills me.. I can't believe they are preparing for his funeral & he's not even dead. When I heard about all this I was very upset, why are they doing this? Why now? Why can't they wait? Who knows he can have many more years to live? How can they be so inconsiderate? I don't want to be a part of their planning.. like really? Call me selfish but I can't.. My dad has been a great impact in my life & trying to deal with all this when he's still alive seems wrong. I know death is part of life but no, my dad is a survivor & no matter what he'll overcome his illnesses. I'm such a mess right now, some nights I stay up thinking of getting a phone call that he's gone. Some days I call him like 5x's just to hear his voice. Other nights I'm in continuous prayer for his health & well being. I wish we can be there living in Portland, to see him everyday. How can I be strong when I know my family needs him? What kind of daughter will I be if I don't support my family's wishes? Why am I so stubborn? Who will I turn to when that time comes? I'm in need of answers but mainly I can't deal with preparing for the worse..esp. when it has to do with my DAD:(

hard to deal with..

 Joon's passion is MUSIC.. Ever since we first met he made it clear that he LOVES to sing & even though the first song he serenaded me with was the only Tongan song I hated..lol.. he was amazing singing it:) Now as his music career is taking off, they've become a band; people want them to perform @ different functions & do more traveling. I support him 100% & he knows that I'm his #1 fan.. but I don't like the "GROUPIES" part.. I know that no woman would like to have another female all up on their man esp. when you're not around. I try my best to make their shows & support but I'm really making sure no girl is messin' with my boo..lol.. I may sound silly but its true. I trust Joon & I know he'll never jeopardize our marriage (he better not).lol. but I don't trust them females who try & get w/ the artist. Sometimes I think he'll go out of town & some Prettier,Skinnier,more Interesting girl will try to get with him & she'll succeed. Sadly I even wish he never knew how to sing.. I know that's wrong but I feel that the more exposure his band gets means; more road trips, more studio time, more practices, more groupies, more worries for me:( I don't want this to be an issue for us but sometimes I make a big deal out of it. When his practices go over the time he said he'll be home, I throw a fit when he comes back. I find it hard for me to be okay with it when he doesn't know where I'm coming from. What if it was the other way around & I was the singer & doing shows having guys hitting on me? I know that our marriage is SOLID but why am I so worried? I always share w/ him my feelings about this & he always says the same thing."If you want me to quit this music career, I'll do it for you".. but I don't want that. I wouldn't want him to stop following his dreams because of my insecurities. He has a great future ahead of him & I know that music is his way of expressing himself to the world. Though at time it's very hard to deal with.. I pray often for him & his music endeavors, always remembering our ordinances made in the TEMPLE comforts me. I'll work on dealing with it but mainly looking beyond the bad & seeing the good that'll come of it. Music is his DREAM & I want to be a part of making it REALITY:)

-Jr. Lei - I love you, I do trust you & want the best for you in everything. I'll work on being more supportive even when I feel otherwise.lol. but I know you do this music thing for Us. To prepare a better future for our family esp. our kids. I cherish every memory we've made since day one. You've been blessed with great talent & I want you to do what your heart desires. Skies the limit hunny & no matter what I'm right by your side for the ride:) Hopefully your band breaks up & your stuck @ home with us all the time..LOL.. juss kidding;) You're an Amazing father to our boys & even more an Irreplaceable husband.. Keep up the great work & I'm so proud of you! Ayye-OOOh:) xoxo- Wifey!

"gotta pee, Mom"

Lately Zion has found an interest in peeing outside. smh! Having a full house the bathroom tends to get occupied so if it is he'll just open either the front & back door to go pee. At first it was funny cause he'll say.."Mommy I'm watering the grass"..lol.. but now even when the bathroom is open he still wants to pee outside. Don't know what to tell him cause he'll just say.."But somebodies in the bathroom".. so I think for now we'll just let him "WATER OUR GRASS"..hahaha.. Oh the joys of having boys.. crossing my fingers Isi doesn't catch on to his brother's obsession..lol..:)