my baby Isi .

 Since the day he was born he's been thru so much. I wish I could of traded places with him so he wouldn't have to endure such pain. After his surgery the doctors said that there will be some delay in his speech due to the breathing tube that was in his throat after surgery, but he'll eventually be okay. He's actually been making more progress this past year in talking & communicating with us. When we went in for his 4 yr. check-up last month the Dr. evaluated him & she seen some fluid in his ears that haven't went away since his check-up in December. She was worried that he was losing his hearing, which freaked me out! I told her that I haven't noticed anything different about him & that he hasn't shown any signs of discomfort. She then added that he needs to go see a speech therapist, which upset me because I've asked her many times if she recommended we do that & she said, "No". I've even got other consultations from other physicians who said the same thing, he'll be okay! Now months later she wants to tell me he might be losing his hearing & he need speech therapy. I was so mad, I sat there in the office watching Isi play & thought to myself "WHY HIM"? It's a miracle that he's even alive, now with all this he'll have to go thru more testing & dr visits. My heart hurts for him because he's only a child who doesn't understand what's going on. One thing that just kills me is seeing my kids in pain. I know that I have to hold it together & be strong but its just not fair. He's been doing so good, I know he's more active & loud than other kids but that's his personality. As we left the dr's office & got into the car he seen me crying & asked worriedly, "Mom you okay? Give me big hug." I just gave him the biggest hug & told him everything will be okay. I love you son & no matter what or how long it takes I promise you that we will get thru it together. I've set up appointments for a specialist to see him to check his hearing. Praying that everything goes well with my baby, the last thing I want to see is him back in a hospital bed:( Mommy LOVES you ISI.

emotional.

For weeks ive pepared myself to teach the ysa sunday school class for the 1st time. sunday was the day and man did i choke. I read the chapters, studied the lesson & when I stood up there I went blank. fraaak! i completely forgot everything I prepared & found myself self reading out of the handbook like I didnt even study the lesson. i repeated myself so many times & didnt even get my points across.This past week has been sooo EMOTIONAL for me. My big sis feina & her family moved to Tonga:( we were going to drive up there to say good-bye but jr had to work & my sis had to leave earlier than planned,everything was so messed up. I tried sooo hard to pull myself together but i just couldnt stop thinking about my sister and her 7 kids. i miss their lil faces still cant believe they'll be so far away from us. i wanted my 1st time teaching our ysa to go smooth & instead it was a disaster. i know im capable of teaching & doing so much better, i dont want them to think i cant do this. On my way home i cried, not because it went bad but because i let my nerves get the best of me. ive always been a cry baby but after such an emotional week i was glad it was over. This week wont be any better since my sis kay is moving  to utah:( i knoe its part of life & everyone makes changes but its hard enough living away from my family:( uggh I need to get it together:/

power of PRAYER.

its the new year & I'm so grateful for the many blessings in my life thus far. I was sad to be released from the YW's :( but excited to have been called along with Jr to be the Spiritual parents for the YSA:) Its been an emotional roller coaster the past few months but I wouldn't change anything about it. I've learned so much about myself that I never thought were possible.There were some hard times but life lessons don't come easy. I know that now. I haven't prayed so hard these last couple of months for some answers. After going thru these changes I understand that this is the best thing for me now. I know my Heavenly Father loves me & thru his constant guidance I can become a better person. I miss my girls but I know they are in great hands:) Now I can start this new journey with the YSA & although I'm super nervous I'm so glad to have my husband by my side. Our work is needed with them now & I know that whenever I'm feeling discouraged or in need of inspiration I can just kneel down & speak with my Heavenly Father.Truly grateful for the power of prayer!

wth is your problem??

I can only do so much in fulfilling my calling, some people are just ungrateful. Blunt as it may sound, I'm just TIRED. TIRED dealing with someone who won't trust me.TIRED of organizing things & not getting the credit I deserve.TIRED of  being the "bad guy". TIRED of your lies. TIRED of being blamed for things that aren't my fault. TIRED of trying to open the line of communication instead getting a brick wall slapped in my face. TIRED of last minute changes that makes us look unorganized. TIRED of being nice to someone who really doesn't give a rats ass about me. like seriously WTH is your problem????? 

defeated.

  Today went from being Great to Bad within a few hours. My boys & I attended church as usual, my mother-in-law came along today to help with Isi [bless her heart] cause I had a meeting after church. I felt such a warm feeling today seeing my lovely yw's & awesome friends who make me smile with their great conversations. I walk into our opening exercise sit down & within a few mins, I find myself in the hallway breaking up a fist fight between 2 of my girls. While walking them to the Bishop's office I felt that warm feeling drift away & I became sad. Why did this happen? What was the problem? Was it my fault for not being a better example to them? In my head I constantly thought these things. After talking with Bishop I walk back to the Young Womens' room, peek in & seen their faces I just broke down. I couldn't be in there, I went in the mother's room & balled my eyes out, asking my heavenly Father for the some guidance. Pleading to comfort these yw & soften their hearts towards one another. I thought maybe this could have been prevented, maybe I wasn't doing enough to help & protect these girls from these situations. I try my best to set good examples for them to follow & even offered advice to them whenever they needed me I made it known that I'll always be there for them. After sometime church was over & I went looking for my boys, I was notified that our meeting was cancelled due to the incident.

  Heading home I didn't think this day could get any worse, but I was wrong. As I changed my boys out of their suits I hear my phone ring. Answering it I did not recognize the phone number, but I did the voice on the other line. It was a parent of one of my girls & she was pissed. I sat there as she told me off questioning my position as counselor & how could I have let this happen. I apologized & she just hung up. Walking back to my room I thought maybe I wasn't the good leader I thought I was. Maybe my efforts were not enough. Tears again rolled down my face as I try to hide my sadness from my boys. Laying them down to nap, again my phone rang. I was hesitant to answer but did anyways, to my suprise it was another parent even more pissed  then the 1st. My heart was saddened after hearing what she had to say, I apologized but she didn't want to hear any of it. I fell to my knees & again asking my Heavely Father for some guidance & comfort. I don't know what to do anymore. Should I just step down from my calling? Should we go back to our palangi ward? Where did I go wrong in serving these young girls? I miss my Mom & my Sisters, these are the times I wish I could just drive to their house & let it all out. There is one thing I know for sure, I feel DEFEATED:(:(

"I'll be there"

 I love being a happy, talkative person, I think I get it from my dad. He is friendly & the funniest person I know. I've built some great friendships with having these qualities but I have also lost some. In high school I was voted best sense of humor by my peers & I took that as a compliment. I find that always smiling & making people feel loved is important. We don't know how a person's day is going or how tough their life is, but with a smile & great conversation it could mean a lot to them.My Junior yr. in High school I lost a dear friend in a swimming accident. It's something I don't talk about because I still blame myself for it. Well, it was a hot summer day & a group of my closest girlfriends made plans to have a beach party. I was running late cause my mom told me if I didn't finish some pages in my personal progress I couldn't go.[she know how to kill a mood]..lol. Well, my friend Patricia kept calling me for a ride & I kept declining her calls cause I was trying to focus on finishing my stuff so I can go. An hour passed & I still haven't left, mom was lecturing me about choosing the right & making sure that I had my priorities straight but all I could think of was meeting up with my girls & having a good time. I get a call from Patricia & I answer,"Lexx what's taking you so long? My mom won't let me leave with anyone else if it's not you, let's go already". Me: "My mom is trippin' she says I have to finish up some church stuff if I want to use her car". Her: "Forget about it, I need to get out of my house, my mom is buggin' & I just need you to pick me up, please!" Me: "Sorry girl, I'll try to knock this out so I can come through I'll call you when I'm done. Her: "Fine, whatever I'll just sneak out & take the bus, I'll see you there". Me: "Just wait I'll be there soon." [click] She hung up. As I hurried to finish up I got this terrible feeling in my stomach & for a moment thought I was getting sick. My mom came in & asked if I was done & I gladly handed her my personal progress & said,"YES"! I grabbed my beach bag & mom's car keys & ran out the door.

  Driving to the beach I felt the urge to rush & get to my friends & enjoy the rest of my day, but as I'm pulling up to the entrance way all I see are ambulances,police cars & my girls circled around. I put the car in park & didn't even take my keys out the ignition running to see what happened. I walk towards my girls & all I see is a body on the beach with paramedics trying to revive someone. As I get closer I catch a glimpse of a lifeless hand & a bracelet that said, "proud to be Tongan". It was Patricia, the bracelet I had given her Freshmen year. I dropped to my knees crying & yelling to the paramedics to save my friend. They were able to get a pulse & put her into the ambulance &off to the hospital. I sat on the beach with my girls & balled my eyes out, it was all my fault if I would have just left when she called she's still be alive. We all got into my girl Sina's car & rushed to the hospital to be by her side. Walking into the E.R I felt that same feeling in my stomach from earlier. We get to the nurses station & they showed us to the area she was taken to. We get there & waited for about 15mins. until a Doctor came out. He told us that she didn't even make it out the Ambulance, she died on the way to the hospital:( I couldn't believe it my dear friend of 6 years was gone, she needed me & I wasn't there. Tears couldn't stop running down my face, I felt so guilty for her death. I've always made time for her & always reminded her that whenever,whatever I got her back. That day I didn't, I knew how far she came from being abused by her step-dad to dealing with a mother who'd rather party than stay home & raise her children. I knew that her life was miserable but being with us girls always made her happy & forget about all the troubles at home. All I could think of were those last words I said to her, "I'LL BE THERE". Why did this have to happen to such a young,beautiful person. Being raised in the church you'd think it would be easy for me to cope with such a tragic loss but no it was very challenging. I miss her face, her laugh, corny jokes & lovable personality. Nothing can bring her back but now I had to live with it. I should have been there.

  Dealing with her loss was very difficult but thanks to my family,close girlfriends, & the Gospel I was able to finally understand that it was her time. Since that day I made a promise to myself that no matter what, where, who, needed me I'd make the greatest effort to be there for my friends. I know death is a part of life but in this situation is was also an eye-opener for me to cherish those who I care about esp. my friends. I love building a sisterhood with my girls I consider BEST-FRIENDS. In my opinion a best friend is not just one person its individuals who you can laugh,cry, trust,confide in with everything & anything in their lives. I kept those last words I said to Patricia in mind,"I'LL BE THERE". Meaning when it comes to my friends I'll always strive to be by their side in a time of need. I'm blessed with Old & New friends in my life & whenever I have the chance to HELP,SUPPORT or ADVISE any of them I feel that Patricia is smiling down on me. I may not have been there for her but life is full of lessons & from that day I try to be, the greatest friend I know I can be. Truly grateful for each & every wonderful friend in my life. I miss you PAT, our memories we've shared I'll hold dear to my heart forever. [R.I.P] Gone but never forgotten my sweet Angel. I love you!

MOMMY :)

 All my life I have always had a strong, loving relationship with my Mom. As the years gone by we've gotten even closer, she is my HERO. I try my best each & everyday to be as great a mother to my boys as she has been to my siblings & I. She's such a beautiful person inside & out, she's humble, hardworking, trustworthy, talented, shoot let's just say AMAZING overall :) I've seen us grow even closer since I started my own family, whatever I need, my boys need she doesn't hesitate to drop everything to be here for us. I love her so much & I'm so grateful for her constant support & love. I couldn't have dreamed of a more PERFECT mother for me & my siblings, I look up to her & cherish every moment shared together. This past weekend was our Ward Conference & instead of staying to prepare things for their ward Young Women Excellence night she came down & helped me with EVERYTHING for ours. I love that whats important to me is important to her, the most unselfish person I know. She brings the best out of me & pushes me to do my best at all times. She's a woman of faith with a strong testimony that can not be shaken. She's always taught us about the blessings of being a worthy member of the gospel, & the importance of eternal families. Thou some of us made mistakes in life never once has her love for us changed. She continues to love us unconditionally & supports everything we do. I miss her when she leaves but I know that we're in her thoughts & prayers always! I love you Mom, its because of all your teachings,examples, advice that's made me the woman I am today. Thank You:)