"What I do?"

        I love my wild, active 3 yr.old but man sometimes Isi just makes me want to pull my hair out. Gosh I feel like a bad mom for saying that. Maybe because he's so full of life & I'm so out of shape to keep up with him. Sundays have been so "interesting" since Joon started working & it was just me & my boys attending church. I feel like I'm capable to keep up with him it's just that I get so frustrated I want to yell/slap him whenever he's acting up. Zion is the exact opposite from his little brother. He's more quiet, gentle & Isi is just hands on wild & crazy. I don't want to label my boys as the GOOD one & the BAD one. Sometimes I catch myself saying that to people when they say, " Wow. you're boys are so different from one another". I always told myself that whenever I have kids they'll be treated equally & now I look at it, that's what I've been doing since Isi could walk & talk. Last Sunday I had a total meltdown in the car after church. The day started off bad, we were so late to church, our Gas was empty cause Joon forgot to fill it up the night before, I forgot my scriptures, Zion spilt Gatorade on his pants, & Isi was super hyper from candy he found in the car. As I sat in the foyer trying to calm down & listen to the speakers Isi starts sprinting up & down the halls. Here we go again.. another Sunday playing tag with him while learning nothing. It was time for Zion to go into Primary. I tried sitting in there with Isi but he started to cry hysterically, so I began to get mad & we left. During Sunday school he started to calm down. It didn't last long.lol. Time came for Young Womens & I was hesitant to go in there with him because he starts to distract the girls & act up. Thank goodness it was combine Sunday with the Young Men so I was free to finally go to Relief Society. I couldn't tho, he was starting to get fussy & I was losing my patience. We just sat in the foyer & I can honestly feel no reason for being in church. I never felt that way before, I thought to myself why am I here when all I'm doing is chasing Isi around & missing every single class. Church was over & for the first time in my life I was happy it was. We picked up Zion from Primary & on our way to the car Isi takes off running towards the car parked next to us with kids & their bags of candy. I guess Isi tried to take some kids candy & the lil boy pulled his hair. Isi straight head butted the kid & his nose started to bleed. His mom started yelling saying who's kid is this? I ran over apologizing to the mom & her child but she didn't reply, she just put her kid in her ride & started rambling in Samoan. I was furious, that was it I couldn't take anymore so I put Zion in his seat then as I strapped Isi in his seat. I yelled at him & smacked his hand.. I wanted him to know how angry I was & how he's been so bad all day. As, I turn to close his door he looks up to me with tears running down his cheek & said, "WHAT I DO?". At that moment I forgot all the wrong he had done that day & I just grabbed him in my arms, told him how much I loved him & I was so sorry for losing it.



     I got in the car & started crying. It's not him.. it's me. I'm the one who's lazy. I'm the one who has a short temper. I'm the one with no patience. I'm the one who complains about the small stuff. I'm the one who made a bad day worse with my funky attitude. As I sat there I thought of everything he went thru when he was born. I couldn't hold back the tears thinking what if he didn't survive that heart surgery? what if there were physical/mental  side effects?  but no, all he's doing is being a kid, embracing each day with a smile & loving life. I felt so guilty for acting like a jerk all day, even worse was only looking @ the bad things he was doing. Lesson learned the hard way, but I have to be more patient with him. I'm thankful each & everyday for his good health & for blessing our lives since the day he came into this Earth. No matter how bad a day gets or how tough the situation I PROMISE to always put your feelings first. I LOVE YOU my Isi bby:)