"What I do?"

        I love my wild, active 3 yr.old but man sometimes Isi just makes me want to pull my hair out. Gosh I feel like a bad mom for saying that. Maybe because he's so full of life & I'm so out of shape to keep up with him. Sundays have been so "interesting" since Joon started working & it was just me & my boys attending church. I feel like I'm capable to keep up with him it's just that I get so frustrated I want to yell/slap him whenever he's acting up. Zion is the exact opposite from his little brother. He's more quiet, gentle & Isi is just hands on wild & crazy. I don't want to label my boys as the GOOD one & the BAD one. Sometimes I catch myself saying that to people when they say, " Wow. you're boys are so different from one another". I always told myself that whenever I have kids they'll be treated equally & now I look at it, that's what I've been doing since Isi could walk & talk. Last Sunday I had a total meltdown in the car after church. The day started off bad, we were so late to church, our Gas was empty cause Joon forgot to fill it up the night before, I forgot my scriptures, Zion spilt Gatorade on his pants, & Isi was super hyper from candy he found in the car. As I sat in the foyer trying to calm down & listen to the speakers Isi starts sprinting up & down the halls. Here we go again.. another Sunday playing tag with him while learning nothing. It was time for Zion to go into Primary. I tried sitting in there with Isi but he started to cry hysterically, so I began to get mad & we left. During Sunday school he started to calm down. It didn't last long.lol. Time came for Young Womens & I was hesitant to go in there with him because he starts to distract the girls & act up. Thank goodness it was combine Sunday with the Young Men so I was free to finally go to Relief Society. I couldn't tho, he was starting to get fussy & I was losing my patience. We just sat in the foyer & I can honestly feel no reason for being in church. I never felt that way before, I thought to myself why am I here when all I'm doing is chasing Isi around & missing every single class. Church was over & for the first time in my life I was happy it was. We picked up Zion from Primary & on our way to the car Isi takes off running towards the car parked next to us with kids & their bags of candy. I guess Isi tried to take some kids candy & the lil boy pulled his hair. Isi straight head butted the kid & his nose started to bleed. His mom started yelling saying who's kid is this? I ran over apologizing to the mom & her child but she didn't reply, she just put her kid in her ride & started rambling in Samoan. I was furious, that was it I couldn't take anymore so I put Zion in his seat then as I strapped Isi in his seat. I yelled at him & smacked his hand.. I wanted him to know how angry I was & how he's been so bad all day. As, I turn to close his door he looks up to me with tears running down his cheek & said, "WHAT I DO?". At that moment I forgot all the wrong he had done that day & I just grabbed him in my arms, told him how much I loved him & I was so sorry for losing it.



     I got in the car & started crying. It's not him.. it's me. I'm the one who's lazy. I'm the one who has a short temper. I'm the one with no patience. I'm the one who complains about the small stuff. I'm the one who made a bad day worse with my funky attitude. As I sat there I thought of everything he went thru when he was born. I couldn't hold back the tears thinking what if he didn't survive that heart surgery? what if there were physical/mental  side effects?  but no, all he's doing is being a kid, embracing each day with a smile & loving life. I felt so guilty for acting like a jerk all day, even worse was only looking @ the bad things he was doing. Lesson learned the hard way, but I have to be more patient with him. I'm thankful each & everyday for his good health & for blessing our lives since the day he came into this Earth. No matter how bad a day gets or how tough the situation I PROMISE to always put your feelings first. I LOVE YOU my Isi bby:) 

FINALLY!

   For as long as I can remember Joon has always made it his #1 priority to be the greatest provider for our  family. Even if it was working long hours or traveling the distance as long as it was putting food on table & keeping a roof over our heads he was fine with that. When we first started dating I could already tell how hardworking a man he was esp. when he'd work a 10hr. shift then drive 2 1/2 hrs. to Portland just to see me. When we started our family it was tough. His hours became longer & even tho the money was nice, I missed my husband. Not only our q.t together but importantly having daddy time w/ our boys. Giving birth to 2 kids in one year was very hard, & not having him there was even harder to deal with. He worked in Construction for 7 years & it definitely put a strain on our marriage but sadly it was taking a toll on his body. He'd come home with agonizing back pains & bruised up knees. I felt so bad for him & although he'd tell me that he's okay & its nothing sum Advil couldn't fix, I could see in his face that he was exhausted. One day it finally hit him that maybe it's time to hang up his hard hat when he was out playing w/ our boys & his back went out. I mean being only 25yrs.old this shouldn't be happening. It was even more heartbreaking seeing Zion try to help him up & he could barely move. As I continued to watch our boys run around & play while their dad was unable to be a part of it just brought me to tears. I see what the effects have done to his father & I don't want that for him. We had a long talk about a career change & he said that it was time, construction was not for him anymore. What hurt him the most was thinking about our boys & in the future he'd want to run around, throw the football & simply enjoy the precious time spent with them:) It took a long time for him to find work again. Esp. with the sucky economy it seemed like he'll never find a job. He started to doubt the decision to quit construction but with lots of prayer & help of some awesome friends he got hired with IKEA..woot! woot! FINALLY.. no more crazy hours, no more back pains, no more scratched up knees, no more long trips away, & no more precious time away from us:) I'm forever grateful for such an Amazing, Hardworking husband:) love you boo.

One Day

 One day I would like my boys to have a room of their own. One day I'd like to walk freely in my house & not worry what I'm wearing or who's around. One day I'd like to just do NOTHING, but relax & let the house get messy. One day I'd love to decorate a place which shows off my creativity. One day it would be nice to have my family visit & actually stay with us. One day I'd love to have company over & create endless memories. One day I'd love to have more kids & knoe that we'll have enough space for them. One day I want to discipline my kids & not have to worry what others will say. One day I would like to feel the excitement of house hunting again. On day I'd love to enjoy romantic evenings w/ my husband. One day I would LOVE to be a homeowner; but for now these are the cards we were dealt. Patience is a virtue & I got to keep it moving & make our dreams reality..not now but ONE DAY:)

Undecided.

Lately, I've been feeling like my boys were just growing up way to fast & that they were being more independent & Mommy's help wasn't needed..I knoe it's just me but man its bittersweet:( Joon & I have been talking about having another baby sometime this year but I don't knoe.. don't get me wrong I would love to have as many kids as this body can give..lol.. but thinking back to what we went thru w/ Isi, I'm hesitant to carry another bby to term than have him/her have some kind of birth defect. I know things happen for a reason & I wouldn't take anything back that has happend to us since his traumatic birth, for it really tested my Faith & gave us a big wake up call. I'm just scared; still undecided about it but I would really LOVE to have another baby:) Who knoes maybe I'll push my fears aside & think about my boys and how AWESOME it would be to add another blessing to our ETERNAL family! I know that no matter what happens we'll be well prepared for whatever the outcome is & knowing that that the Lord will always be there for guidance comforts me. I'll keep yall posted;)